27.

Women in public restrooms who pee with such force it sounds like they're in there playing California firefighter. I don't know why this ... uh ... pisses me off so much, but it really drives me crazy. I don't need to hear that. If you're within range for normal human urethral diameter and aren't pregnant (or in some other way diseased) I shouldn't feel like I need to duck and cover when you whiz.

Also, the lady at work who grunts/groans when she sits down on or stands up from the toilet seat. Wtf is wrong with you?

26.

People who use the handicap door openers who are not handicapped. Laziness is not a handicap. Stupidity is though, so I guess you're okay after all.

25.

The phrase "my bad."

24.

My soon to be new co-worker. Yes, I know that you're "really excited" that I'm joining your team at the first of the year. It shows. However, I'm married. Sending me an email, then trotting over to my desk to see if I've read it 5 minutes later is just a little too eager - you might want to tone it down a notch. Or three. I'm married, you know. I think I may have mentioned that.


I've worked here for 18 months now. I had never seen you before my interview, and now you're strolling by my desk 3-4 times a day. You're offering to accompany me to get coffee. Did I mention I'm married? And my wonderful husband works on the same floor of the same building as us? And he's on his way over here now to kick your ass?


Also, you bear a vague resemblance to Bill Paxton. Ewww.

23.

Our absolutely batshit insane neighbors, who seem to be under the impression that they have any fucking right at all to be outraged that we're building a fence in our backyard. Which would coincidentally keep our dogs from shitting in their yard. Fuck you, you miserable cunt - you and your henpecked idiot of a husband. From now until the time the fence goes up, I will encourage Charlie to shit on your doorstep. Maybe the fence won't seem like such a bad idea, then.

22.

Jenkem. Who the hell came up with this idea? Sweet Jesus.

21.

Anyone who uses "interface" as a verb in everyday conversation to describe human contact needs to be "facilitated" into unconsciousness with a baseball bat. Just IMHO.

20.

In a sign of the end-times surely being nigh, it has come to this: I'm ready to throw something at the TV every time a certain commercial comes on. The offending commercial is an ad for Victoria's Secret bras. Normally, ads for bras are ok - they've got breasts in them. Even as a chick, I can appreciate this fact. Hell, I even wear Victoria's Secret bras on occasion.

But the model in the ad... her horrid accent, compounded by the stupid shit she is saying (which is in limerick form), is so mind-numbingly asinine that it makes me want to shove a screwdriver into each of my ears until they meet in the middle, in some vain attempt to un-hear this godawful drivel.

I admit that the girl in the commercial is pretty damned attractive, but the sheer stupidity of this "limerick" (which isn't really even a limerick, by the way) makes her look about as hot as a love child between Janet Reno and Clay Aiken. On top of which the drugs neccessary to bring about this coupling somehow deformed the resulting baby even beyond its cursed genes. After which the Red Sox' starting lineup beat it with ugly sticks for a day, and then it grew up aspiring to look like Beetlejuice.

The offending words:

There once was an angel so fair
Who's bra was lighter than air
But the reason you see
and it's no mystery
her bra cups were made out of air!

YOU CAN'T RHYME "AIR" WITH "AIR", you fucking fuckwits! Goddammit! Not to mention the impossibility of how a bra made out of air can be somehow lighter than air. Was there not one person in the entire Victoria's Secret organization, the ad agency, the film crew - anyone - who could have pointed this out?

But now I know. I know what, exactly, Victoria's secret is... she's a fucking moron, and she conceals that fact by pushing her tits up in a $60 bra. Which will most likely fall apart after a couple of washings. The terrorists have won.

Kill me now. Please.

Or maybe I'm overreacting. The commercial does have breasts in it, after all.

19.

Shitty contractors. Enough said.

18

That no matter what, some people will continuously fail to meet even the bottom rung on the ladder of my expectations.

17

GodDAMN it.

They took away access to Pandora at work (see previous post on how awesome Pandora is). It was my only remaining pleasure at my soul-less suckhole of a job. I guess I'm supposed to acutally work at work now.

I'm putting in my 2 week notice today, I swear.

16

Stupid lawsuits.

From CNN: Girl, 7, got serious infection after swallowing Mattel magnets in 2005

Let's break it down:
- Magnets fall off of toy
- Kid swallows magnets
- Magnets do what magnets do, and stick together in her intestines
- Kid gets sick
- Mom sues toymaker

Hold up.

Paige, who will be 10 in November, required two weeks of hospitalization for treatment of her infection and return trips to the doctor every few weeks for months thereafter, May said.

In all, the treatment cost about $40,000.

"I went straight to a lawyer," she [the mother] added.

Lady, your kid ate magnets. Read that one more time, if you will. Your kid. Ate magnets. Not just one, but multiple. And when you find out, what do you do? Frivolous lawsuit, of course - it's the American way.

This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, how about educating your child not to eat pieces of her toys? At age 7, she should be FAR past the "let's put things in our mouth" phase, anyway. As a parent, I check my child's toys for possible hazards before handing it over to him - did that ever occur to you? I guess not, given this quote from dear old Mom regarding how this ordeal affected her toy buying habits: “I inspect things more, and there’s certain things now I won’t allow them to play with no more — nothing with magnets, nothing that I think is going to fall apart.” Shouldn't this have been step 2 in your parenting plan, genius - right after explicitly telling little Paige not to eat her toys? Even better, how about.... and this is really going out on a limb... keeping an eye on her so those magnets never get in her mouth to begin with? I mean, if your kid is dumb enough at 7 years old to eat a magnet, she obviously requires more supervision than she is being given. Tough lesson to learn, but I fail to see how Mattel should shoulder the medical bills for your parental neglect.

What a great example this mother is setting. Rather than take responsibility for your/your child's actions and the financial liability associated with them, you can just sue someone! This is just another reason that there should be a license requirement and an associated intelligence test before people are allowed to have children.

Look - kids do stupid things all the time. As a parent and a former kid myself, I can attest to this, so I am willing to cut the girl a hell of a lot more slack than her mother. I recall jumping off of high places, using an umbrella as a parachute at age 7. If I'd broken an arm or leg, should my parents have sued Totes for making an umbrella that wouldn't allow me to float gently to the ground like Mary Poppins? I guess using this woman's reasoning, they should have sued Julie Andrews for putting the idea in my head, but that's really beside the point.

I feel genuinely sorry for this kid - not only did she get gravely ill for basically doing the stupid things that kids sometimes do, but she's got a greedy, litigious witch for a mother. Double whammy.

15

"Everybody Loves Raymond."

Not everybody... not everybody.

14

Any car commercial featuring any sort of "Indie" band. Ooh, you've finally reeled me in with that one. Now, nothing will stop me from buying one of your corporate shit-mobiles.

13

It's called a turn signal, people. And it's surprisingly easy to use.

12

Not enough cowbell.

11

Post number 10, I'd like you to meet post number 4. It's incompetent people who can't do their jobs right. Blarg.

10

Incompetant, lazy people on a team that can't do their job and make the other team members look bad as a result. I need to be in the room when the decision is made to hire these assholes, so I can veto it. Or kick them in the balls.

9

Taking a break that doesn't even feel like a break, because all you can do is think about the next thing you need to get done, due to the lack of time in a day. Where the hell does it all go?

8

Pandora has become a constant companion for me at work in the last few weeks. For those that haven't checked it out, it's a great way to discover new and old music, within a genre that you select. I currently have about five different "stations" set up on it to fit my various moods at work. My 80s Hair Bands station (containing such notable artists as Poison, Ratt and Van Halen) often gets some play late in the afternoons when deadlines are approaching and I need to kick it up a notch or twelve. My Emo station is mostly used during periods of deep depression and world hating (such as when I first get to work on Monday mornings).

However, my Coldplay station has got to be my all-time favorite. My love of all things Coldplay and Coldplay related is well documented, so it's probably no surprise that I've got a Pandora station dedicated to bands that sound like them. I was particularly surprised yesterday when a cover of Radiohead's Optimistic started playing on it. Normally I don't support covers of certain bands like Radiohead, because in my opinion trying to redo something that good usually turns into the musical equivalent of shitting in the palm of your hand and using it to give Michaelangelo's David a Hitler mustache. However, this particular cover was pretty damn good - to the point that I may have started singing out loud. I can't actually be sure if I was or not because somewhere between the stress of my job and the stress of renovating our new house, I have lost the ability to tell if what's being said in my head is being channeled by my mouth. Whatever. So there I was, having my mid-morning jam session when I decided I might actually want to hear more of this particular group, so I checked to see who they were...

They say that if you try and hold your breath during a bad dream, you'll wake up.

When the cerebral hypoxia wore off and I came to on the floor under my desk, I was forced to accept that I was not in a nightmare conjured from the depths of Hell, but in fact I was living a reality so horrible that not even the joyous thought of strangling my boss could provide me with solace.

Hanson. The band I had been listening to doing that awesome Radiohead cover had been Hanson. Those Mmmm-bopping mother fuckers had infected their way back into my life and actually tricked me into liking one of their songs. Bastards.

And now what do I do? I can't deny I liked their version of Optimistic. But to live with that means acknowledging them as musicians, which then contradicts the position I've held for the last decade in that the term No-Talent-Assclowns was created specifically for their particular brand of pre-pubescent craptacular-ness.

The Bible says that the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist. On principle I don't like to disagree with scripture, but I gotta believe that El Diablo's most dastardly move was actually to convince the world that crappy soul stealing one-hit-wonders featuring boys with girl's hair cuts had been banished to France, only to have them resurface singing decent cover songs ten years later.

7

Mother fucking smokers in the workplace. It's bad enough that I have to sit beside you in a meeting and smell your cigarette funk and watch your yellowed fingers grow increasingly restless playing with your pen as the nicotine monkey riding your back shrieks for a fix. But I will NOT cut my meeting short just so you can creep outside for a smoke. Nor will I build smoke breaks into the agenda. You may have played that request off as a joke, Captain Cancer Sticks, but we both know it wasn't.

I have a fucking job to do. And that job does not include putting my meeting on hold for you to light up every hour on the hour, Joe Camel. However, I'm making it my job from now on to call attention to the fact that you slink out of every meeting to go light up.

I'm not even going to mention the fact that you've got work that was due to me last week I haven't seen hide nor hair of. Maybe if you weren't outside smoking for 15 minutes of every hour, you'd get your shit done on time. It's called working, you should try it sometime.

That's it - I'm going to take up smoking just so I can work 25% less.

6

People who can't follow an obvious format. Or count. 1,2,3,4... blogs? What. The. Fuck? In what alternate universe does that make sense? Jake, I love you, but sometimes...

blogs

The fact that I can't sit down and write a quick blog. I'm always second and third-guessing what I write. And even after all that doubt, it still sucks. And no one reads it or comments, except the one person that I pissed off by taking so long and not spending that time with her.

4

The fact that no one in the entire fucking free world seems able to put together a sentence without at least one egregious grammar or spelling error. Things like "thing", or "cable". I'm not asking anyone to spell supercalifragilisticexpialadocious here, you know?

Boss, I'm looking at you. Your email signature reads, "Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld - please excuse any errors in grammer or spelling." Seriously? Fuck.

3

Fucking zombie movies that are based on diseases. Come on, man, that's an outbreak movie, not a zombie flick. Slow, ravenous undead! Braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins! How fucking hard is it?

28 Weeks Later is going to suck ass.

2

That Fucking Charmin Commercial. You know - that ad with the cartoon bears using toilet paper, with the little pastel butterflies and flowers flying off the stinking soiled roll. Does anyone else find this unutterably distasteful?

I thought the whole joke was does a bear shit in the woods? I don't recall them mentioning him wiping his ass.

1

The asshole who, when he sees you are waiting for his parking spot, takes his sweet fucking time removing themselves from it. Enjoy your petty little power, asshole. It's all you've got.