20.

In a sign of the end-times surely being nigh, it has come to this: I'm ready to throw something at the TV every time a certain commercial comes on. The offending commercial is an ad for Victoria's Secret bras. Normally, ads for bras are ok - they've got breasts in them. Even as a chick, I can appreciate this fact. Hell, I even wear Victoria's Secret bras on occasion.

But the model in the ad... her horrid accent, compounded by the stupid shit she is saying (which is in limerick form), is so mind-numbingly asinine that it makes me want to shove a screwdriver into each of my ears until they meet in the middle, in some vain attempt to un-hear this godawful drivel.

I admit that the girl in the commercial is pretty damned attractive, but the sheer stupidity of this "limerick" (which isn't really even a limerick, by the way) makes her look about as hot as a love child between Janet Reno and Clay Aiken. On top of which the drugs neccessary to bring about this coupling somehow deformed the resulting baby even beyond its cursed genes. After which the Red Sox' starting lineup beat it with ugly sticks for a day, and then it grew up aspiring to look like Beetlejuice.

The offending words:

There once was an angel so fair
Who's bra was lighter than air
But the reason you see
and it's no mystery
her bra cups were made out of air!

YOU CAN'T RHYME "AIR" WITH "AIR", you fucking fuckwits! Goddammit! Not to mention the impossibility of how a bra made out of air can be somehow lighter than air. Was there not one person in the entire Victoria's Secret organization, the ad agency, the film crew - anyone - who could have pointed this out?

But now I know. I know what, exactly, Victoria's secret is... she's a fucking moron, and she conceals that fact by pushing her tits up in a $60 bra. Which will most likely fall apart after a couple of washings. The terrorists have won.

Kill me now. Please.

Or maybe I'm overreacting. The commercial does have breasts in it, after all.

16

Stupid lawsuits.

From CNN: Girl, 7, got serious infection after swallowing Mattel magnets in 2005

Let's break it down:
- Magnets fall off of toy
- Kid swallows magnets
- Magnets do what magnets do, and stick together in her intestines
- Kid gets sick
- Mom sues toymaker

Hold up.

Paige, who will be 10 in November, required two weeks of hospitalization for treatment of her infection and return trips to the doctor every few weeks for months thereafter, May said.

In all, the treatment cost about $40,000.

"I went straight to a lawyer," she [the mother] added.

Lady, your kid ate magnets. Read that one more time, if you will. Your kid. Ate magnets. Not just one, but multiple. And when you find out, what do you do? Frivolous lawsuit, of course - it's the American way.

This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, how about educating your child not to eat pieces of her toys? At age 7, she should be FAR past the "let's put things in our mouth" phase, anyway. As a parent, I check my child's toys for possible hazards before handing it over to him - did that ever occur to you? I guess not, given this quote from dear old Mom regarding how this ordeal affected her toy buying habits: “I inspect things more, and there’s certain things now I won’t allow them to play with no more — nothing with magnets, nothing that I think is going to fall apart.” Shouldn't this have been step 2 in your parenting plan, genius - right after explicitly telling little Paige not to eat her toys? Even better, how about.... and this is really going out on a limb... keeping an eye on her so those magnets never get in her mouth to begin with? I mean, if your kid is dumb enough at 7 years old to eat a magnet, she obviously requires more supervision than she is being given. Tough lesson to learn, but I fail to see how Mattel should shoulder the medical bills for your parental neglect.

What a great example this mother is setting. Rather than take responsibility for your/your child's actions and the financial liability associated with them, you can just sue someone! This is just another reason that there should be a license requirement and an associated intelligence test before people are allowed to have children.

Look - kids do stupid things all the time. As a parent and a former kid myself, I can attest to this, so I am willing to cut the girl a hell of a lot more slack than her mother. I recall jumping off of high places, using an umbrella as a parachute at age 7. If I'd broken an arm or leg, should my parents have sued Totes for making an umbrella that wouldn't allow me to float gently to the ground like Mary Poppins? I guess using this woman's reasoning, they should have sued Julie Andrews for putting the idea in my head, but that's really beside the point.

I feel genuinely sorry for this kid - not only did she get gravely ill for basically doing the stupid things that kids sometimes do, but she's got a greedy, litigious witch for a mother. Double whammy.