11

Post number 10, I'd like you to meet post number 4. It's incompetent people who can't do their jobs right. Blarg.

10

Incompetant, lazy people on a team that can't do their job and make the other team members look bad as a result. I need to be in the room when the decision is made to hire these assholes, so I can veto it. Or kick them in the balls.

9

Taking a break that doesn't even feel like a break, because all you can do is think about the next thing you need to get done, due to the lack of time in a day. Where the hell does it all go?

8

Pandora has become a constant companion for me at work in the last few weeks. For those that haven't checked it out, it's a great way to discover new and old music, within a genre that you select. I currently have about five different "stations" set up on it to fit my various moods at work. My 80s Hair Bands station (containing such notable artists as Poison, Ratt and Van Halen) often gets some play late in the afternoons when deadlines are approaching and I need to kick it up a notch or twelve. My Emo station is mostly used during periods of deep depression and world hating (such as when I first get to work on Monday mornings).

However, my Coldplay station has got to be my all-time favorite. My love of all things Coldplay and Coldplay related is well documented, so it's probably no surprise that I've got a Pandora station dedicated to bands that sound like them. I was particularly surprised yesterday when a cover of Radiohead's Optimistic started playing on it. Normally I don't support covers of certain bands like Radiohead, because in my opinion trying to redo something that good usually turns into the musical equivalent of shitting in the palm of your hand and using it to give Michaelangelo's David a Hitler mustache. However, this particular cover was pretty damn good - to the point that I may have started singing out loud. I can't actually be sure if I was or not because somewhere between the stress of my job and the stress of renovating our new house, I have lost the ability to tell if what's being said in my head is being channeled by my mouth. Whatever. So there I was, having my mid-morning jam session when I decided I might actually want to hear more of this particular group, so I checked to see who they were...

They say that if you try and hold your breath during a bad dream, you'll wake up.

When the cerebral hypoxia wore off and I came to on the floor under my desk, I was forced to accept that I was not in a nightmare conjured from the depths of Hell, but in fact I was living a reality so horrible that not even the joyous thought of strangling my boss could provide me with solace.

Hanson. The band I had been listening to doing that awesome Radiohead cover had been Hanson. Those Mmmm-bopping mother fuckers had infected their way back into my life and actually tricked me into liking one of their songs. Bastards.

And now what do I do? I can't deny I liked their version of Optimistic. But to live with that means acknowledging them as musicians, which then contradicts the position I've held for the last decade in that the term No-Talent-Assclowns was created specifically for their particular brand of pre-pubescent craptacular-ness.

The Bible says that the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist. On principle I don't like to disagree with scripture, but I gotta believe that El Diablo's most dastardly move was actually to convince the world that crappy soul stealing one-hit-wonders featuring boys with girl's hair cuts had been banished to France, only to have them resurface singing decent cover songs ten years later.

7

Mother fucking smokers in the workplace. It's bad enough that I have to sit beside you in a meeting and smell your cigarette funk and watch your yellowed fingers grow increasingly restless playing with your pen as the nicotine monkey riding your back shrieks for a fix. But I will NOT cut my meeting short just so you can creep outside for a smoke. Nor will I build smoke breaks into the agenda. You may have played that request off as a joke, Captain Cancer Sticks, but we both know it wasn't.

I have a fucking job to do. And that job does not include putting my meeting on hold for you to light up every hour on the hour, Joe Camel. However, I'm making it my job from now on to call attention to the fact that you slink out of every meeting to go light up.

I'm not even going to mention the fact that you've got work that was due to me last week I haven't seen hide nor hair of. Maybe if you weren't outside smoking for 15 minutes of every hour, you'd get your shit done on time. It's called working, you should try it sometime.

That's it - I'm going to take up smoking just so I can work 25% less.

6

People who can't follow an obvious format. Or count. 1,2,3,4... blogs? What. The. Fuck? In what alternate universe does that make sense? Jake, I love you, but sometimes...

blogs

The fact that I can't sit down and write a quick blog. I'm always second and third-guessing what I write. And even after all that doubt, it still sucks. And no one reads it or comments, except the one person that I pissed off by taking so long and not spending that time with her.

4

The fact that no one in the entire fucking free world seems able to put together a sentence without at least one egregious grammar or spelling error. Things like "thing", or "cable". I'm not asking anyone to spell supercalifragilisticexpialadocious here, you know?

Boss, I'm looking at you. Your email signature reads, "Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld - please excuse any errors in grammer or spelling." Seriously? Fuck.

3

Fucking zombie movies that are based on diseases. Come on, man, that's an outbreak movie, not a zombie flick. Slow, ravenous undead! Braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins! How fucking hard is it?

28 Weeks Later is going to suck ass.

2

That Fucking Charmin Commercial. You know - that ad with the cartoon bears using toilet paper, with the little pastel butterflies and flowers flying off the stinking soiled roll. Does anyone else find this unutterably distasteful?

I thought the whole joke was does a bear shit in the woods? I don't recall them mentioning him wiping his ass.